# How to Handle Defensiveness in Communication: Tips for Healthier Conversations ![](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/sELt0_QfR0U/maxresdefault.jpg) ## Defensiveness and its Triggers - Defensiveness is a natural response, but it can be the number one killer of conversation, causing individuals to shut off and stop listening to others [(00:00:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=7s). - Defensiveness is triggered by perceived threats or challenges, which can be biological and part of the fight or flight response [(00:00:52)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=52s). - In any argument, there are two sides: the ignition side, which is triggered by things that trigger an individual, and the cooling side [(00:01:10)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=70s). - When someone challenges an opinion or disagrees, the body perceives it as a threat, triggering a desire to push back [(00:01:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=83s). - To preserve autonomy, individuals often react defensively when told what to do or how they are feeling [(00:01:54)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=114s). - Defensiveness is a reactionary response, but there are tips and techniques to handle it in the moment [(00:02:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=127s). - One technique is to let the other person's words fall to the ground, taking a breath and deciding whether to respond or not [(00:02:19)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=139s). - Another technique is to avoid starting sentences with "you," which can be triggering, and instead use "I" to express thoughts and feelings [(00:02:44)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=164s). - Using phrases that acknowledge the other person's perspective, such as "I agree that's something we should consider," can help dampen defensive responses [(00:03:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=188s). - Imagining the other person's words as a piano note that sustains and eventually ends by itself can help individuals process and respond to the information without becoming defensive [(00:03:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=208s). - When faced with a statement that triggers defensiveness, imagine the words falling to the ground and take a moment to decide if it's worth responding to, using the phrase "put it down" as a reminder to control emotions [(00:03:59)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=239s). - Defensive behavior is a natural, biological response to protect one's intelligence, credibility, ideas, and opinions, and can be triggered when someone conflicts with these [(00:05:01)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=301s). ## Techniques for Managing Defensiveness - Having an open mindset, with something to learn rather than something to prove, can help open up dialogue and reduce defensive reactions [(00:05:42)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=342s). - When feeling tension in the body, indicating preparation for a fight or flight response, take a few seconds to decide whether to respond to the statement [(00:05:58)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=358s). - A self-fulfilling prophecy can occur when one person's defensiveness triggers another person's defensiveness, leading to a cycle of hurtful statements [(00:06:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=372s). - Starting a sentence with "you" can be perceived as accusatory and trigger defensiveness, whereas using "I" statements can be less defensive and more effective in communication [(00:06:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=392s). - Using "I" statements, such as "I feel like you're not listening to me," can be less defensive than "you" statements, such as "you're not listening to me," as they express feelings rather than making assumptions [(00:07:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=436s). - When someone is getting defensive, it's often because the conversation started with the word "you," which can come across as accusatory, so it's helpful to rephrase sentences to start with "I" instead [(00:07:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=453s). - Rephrasing sentences with "I" can help smooth out the conversation and prevent defensiveness, for example, saying "I don't respond to that volume" instead of "You can't talk to me like that" [(00:08:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=511s). - Using phrases that acknowledge the other person's perspective can also help dampen defensive behavior, such as starting a sentence with "I agree" to indicate that the discussion is worth having, rather than necessarily agreeing with their point of view [(00:09:01)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=541s). - Saying "I agree that this is worth discussing" can help settle the conversation and make the other person feel acknowledged, which can lower their defenses [(00:09:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=565s). - Telling someone that they've been helpful can also make them feel more involved and less defensive, which is why phrases like "That's helpful to know" can be effective [(00:09:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=595s). - Using phrases like "What I've learned by listening to you" can also help lower defenses by making the other person feel like they've taught something and are on the same playing field [(00:10:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=611s). - Phrases like "I agree," "That's helpful to know," and "I've learned" can all help quickly put out fires and prevent defensive behavior in conversations [(00:10:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=650s). ## Case Study and Practical Advice for Managers - A manager named Rachel from New York is seeking advice on how to handle an employee who becomes extremely defensive when given feedback or criticism, often leading to drama or arguments [(00:12:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=732s). - One tip for handling defensiveness is to avoid using phrases that start with the word "you" or "need to," as these can come across as directives and trigger defensiveness [(00:13:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=800s). - Instead of saying "you need to," try rephrasing the sentence to "can we try to," which implies that the rules or expectations apply to everyone, including the person giving feedback [(00:14:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=861s). - Using phrases like "can we try to" can help to reduce defensiveness and make the conversation feel more collaborative and less confrontational [(00:14:24)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=864s). - Some people may have a sensitive reaction to being told what to do, even if it's part of their job, so it's essential to be mindful of the language used when giving feedback [(00:14:01)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=841s). - By changing the way feedback is delivered, managers like Rachel can help to reduce defensiveness and create a more positive and productive conversation [(00:13:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=788s). - When communicating, using the phrase "can we" instead of "you need to" can help minimize defensiveness, as it implies everyone is under the same set of rules [(00:14:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=890s). - Starting a sentence with "why" can be perceived as questioning someone's autonomy, so it's better to use "how" or "what" instead, such as asking "what led to this decision" or "how did we come to this decision" [(00:14:59)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=899s). - When giving critical feedback, it's more effective to focus on the inanimate object or the issue at hand, rather than making it personal by using "you" or "your," such as saying "this proposal could benefit from some clarity" instead of "you need to clean up this section" [(00:15:39)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=939s). - Using the third-person perspective when discussing an issue can help minimize defensiveness, as it separates the person from the problem and allows for a more collaborative discussion [(00:16:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=964s). - Taking a few seconds to breathe and intentionally deciding how to respond can help manage defensiveness, by choosing to either "pick up" the issue or "leave it exactly where it fell" [(00:16:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=1016s). - Using "I" instead of "you" when starting a response can help reduce defensiveness and cut down on problems in communication [(00:17:15)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sELt0_QfR0U&t=1035s).