# What Causes Same-Sex Attraction? Dr. Nicolosi Interview - The Becket Cook Show Ep. 180  ## Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Jr. and his Father's Work - Dr. [[Joseph Nicolosi | Joseph Nicolosi Jr.]] is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, researcher, and Clinical Director at the Breakthrough clinic in [[Southern California]], which specializes in helping men with unwanted same-sex attractions [(00:01:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=86s). - Dr. Nicolosi Jr.'s father, Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Sr., started a Catholic Psychotherapy clinic and initially encountered men with unwanted same-sex attractions, but he didn't know how to help them, leading him to make observations and conduct research [(00:02:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=148s). - Dr. Nicolosi Sr.'s first observation was that men with same-sex attractions often appeared guarded and ill at ease, with a defensive posture, and were more likely to report having same-sex attractions [(00:02:48)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=168s). - His second observation was that these men often described the same family pattern, which led him to research and discover a body of literature about the topic that was being overlooked by the psychological establishment [(00:03:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=216s). - Dr. Nicolosi Jr. took over his father's work after he passed away, believing that everyone should have the freedom to choose their own therapy goals [(00:04:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=251s). - Dr. Nicolosi Jr. aims to bring a scientific perspective to the discussion of same-sex attraction, which he believes can complement a religious perspective [(00:02:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=120s). - The discussion is based on Dr. Nicolosi Sr.'s book "Shame and Attachment Loss," which explores the factors that contribute to the development of same-sex attraction, including family dynamics [(00:00:42)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=42s). - The host of the show believes that developing homosexual attractions is ultimately a spiritual issue, but also acknowledges that observing family dynamics and other factors can provide valuable insights [(00:01:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=69s). - People with traditional values who are being underserved and not taken seriously can face challenges when seeking help from psychotherapists, as they may be told they are suppressing their true selves if they want to move towards a monogamous, traditional, heterosexual life [(00:04:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=266s). - This approach can be seen as an injustice and a disservice to these individuals, as it does not acknowledge the possibility of change in one's sexuality [(00:05:10)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=310s). ## Internalized Homophobia vs. Shame and Attachment Loss - The concept of internalized homophobia suggests that shame about one's homosexuality is a result of internalizing negative attitudes and heteronormative views of society, and that overcoming these feelings is key to happiness and health [(00:05:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=335s). - An alternative approach, developed by Dr. Nicolosi, focuses on shame and attachment loss, and suggests that same-sex attraction can be a result of unmet emotional needs and attachment issues during childhood development [(00:06:15)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=375s). - According to this model, children go through different developmental stages, and boys and girls have the same stages until around 2.5 years old, when boys must disidentify from their mothers and identify with their fathers [(00:06:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=396s). - If a boy's father is distant, detached, or critical, and his mother is overinvolved or intrusive, it can make it harder for the boy to complete this developmental task, especially if the boy is temperamentally sensitive [(00:07:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=433s). - Additional factors, such as bullying or sexual abuse, can further complicate this process and make it harder for the boy to develop a sense of masculinity and identity [(00:07:48)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=468s). - When a boy's attempts to reach out to his father are not reciprocated, he can experience a narcissistic hurt, which can have long-lasting effects on his emotional development and attachment style [(00:08:10)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=490s). - A boy's sense of masculinity can be impacted if he experiences hurt during a critical developmental stage, causing him to retreat to his mother and struggle with his gender identity shift [(00:08:18)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=498s). - As a result, the boy may see other boys as mysterious, exciting, and exotic, but also scary, leading to feelings of insecurity and difficulty fitting in with his male peers [(00:08:42)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=522s). - The boy may lack male attention, affection, and approval, which can lead to unmet needs becoming sexualized in early adolescence, contributing to the development of same-sex attractions [(00:09:15)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=555s). - The concept of the "kitchen window boy" describes a child who observes other boys playing outside while feeling safer and more comfortable with women, often due to a closer relationship with their mother [(00:09:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=590s). - This dynamic can lead to feelings of disconnection and shame, as the boy wants to connect with other boys but doesn't know how [(00:10:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=626s). - Research suggests that same-sex attracted men often have a sensitive, emotional, relational, and aesthetically oriented temperament, which can contribute to feelings of discomfort around other males, including their fathers [(00:10:39)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=639s). - This temperament may be influenced by genetics, but also by the early relationship with the mother, particularly if the mother is higher anxiety and relates to the boy in a more narcissistic way [(00:11:43)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=703s). - The combination of a sensitive temperament and an early relationship with a mother who is higher anxiety and more narcissistic can set the stage for the development of same-sex attractions [(00:12:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=732s). - In the early phase of development, the first few years of a boy's life, the mother's anxiety and conditional ways of relating can sabotage the boy's individuation and development, potentially contributing to same-sex attraction [(00:12:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=753s). - When a boy attempts to individuate from his mother and assert his own identity, the mother's behavior can undermine his sense of being able to make his own choices, affecting his development [(00:13:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=791s). - Relational dynamics with the mother, even as early as when the boy is one year old and learning to walk, can set the stage for temperamental sensitivity in the boy [(00:13:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=821s). - If the mother intrudes on the boy's separation and expresses heightened anxiety, it can give the boy a sense of fearfulness and hyper-vigilance, especially if the boy is more sensitive [(00:13:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=837s). ## The Role of Genetics and Family Dynamics - Some children may have a biological predisposition to homosexuality, but predisposition is not the same as predetermination, and a temperamental sensitivity could be genetically based [(00:14:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=891s). - [[Twin]] studies have shown that same-sex attraction is not completely genetic, as identical twins do not always share the same sexual orientation, indicating that other factors are at play [(00:15:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=916s). - The rate of concordance in twin studies, which was previously thought to be around 50%, is now being revised downward, suggesting that genetics play a smaller role in determining same-sex attraction [(00:15:43)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=943s). - A boy's experience of his father as hostile, emotionally detached, or both can contribute to the development of same-sex attraction, even if the father is highly competent in other areas of life [(00:16:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=985s). - This detachment can be perceived by the boy, even if the father is capable and successful, as seen in the example of the speaker's own childhood experience with their father [(00:16:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1010s). - It is essential to recognize that these observations are not meant to blame parents but rather to understand the complexities of a child's development [(00:17:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1033s). - The detachment from the father can start early in a child's life, and it is crucial for a boy to attach to his father at a young age [(00:17:53)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1073s). - The process of a boy bonding with his father typically begins around the age of two and a half, where the boy starts to develop an interest in gender and is drawn to larger-than-life male figures [(00:19:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1160s). - At this developmental stage, the boy is trying to figure out his identity and differentiate himself from his mother, which can be a challenging task [(00:19:42)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1182s). - Language development also plays a role in this process, as the boy begins to identify himself as male and is referred to as "he" instead of "she" [(00:20:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1200s). ## The Impact of Family Relationships - Other factors outside of the family, such as sexual abuse or bullying, can also contribute to the development of same-sex attraction [(00:18:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1127s). - It is essential to approach this topic with a "naming not blaming" mindset, recognizing that every situation is unique and that there is no single cause for same-sex attraction [(00:18:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1087s). - A common pattern in same-sex attraction is an over-involved, intrusive, possessive, and controlling relationship between the mother and son, often excluding the father and creating a sense of being "soulmates" or confidants [(00:20:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1216s). - The son may feel like he is his mother's surrogate husband, filling the emotional needs she is not getting from her partner, and this can create a sense of responsibility and burden [(00:21:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1273s). - This dynamic can lead to a phenomenon known as the "liability of specialness," where the son feels a special relationship with his mother, but also feels responsible for her happiness and well-being [(00:21:48)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1308s). - This liability of specialness can create a burden on the son, making him feel like he needs to be his mother's listening ear and cheer her up when she is sad or hurt [(00:22:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1334s). - This dynamic can be an illustration of a narcissistic dynamic between the mother and son, where the mother is unconsciously looking to the son to meet some of her own emotional needs [(00:22:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1351s). - As the son grows older, this liability of specialness can affect his relationships with women, making him feel like he is taking too much responsibility for their needs and feeling drained by dating [(00:23:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1392s). - Many individuals with same-sex attraction may struggle to relate to women in an intimate context while feeling grounded in their masculine identity, due to this early dynamic with their mother [(00:23:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1415s). - The mother's possessive love can engulf the son, and when the couple argues, the son may side with the mother and identify with her hurt and anger [(00:24:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1449s). - Some individuals may experience anger or resentment towards their fathers due to their mothers' complaints, inadvertently creating a wedge between the father and son [(00:24:24)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1464s). - Mothers often try to act as a mediator between their sensitive sons and fathers, but this can sometimes drive a wedge between the two, even if it's not the mother's intention [(00:24:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1496s). - In some cases, sons may never directly communicate with their fathers, instead relying on their mothers as a go-between, which can further exacerbate the distance between father and son [(00:25:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1528s). - A common theme among individuals with same-sex attraction is a strained or non-existent relationship with their fathers, characterized by poor communication, lack of openness, and trust [(00:25:46)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1546s). - Fathers may be seen as distant or critical, and meaningful conversations are often avoided, leading to a lack of personal disclosure and deepened emotional distance [(00:26:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1560s). - Becket Cook shares his personal experience of having a strained relationship with his father, despite his father being a great and loving parent, and feeling uncomfortable talking to him about personal issues [(00:26:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1573s). ## Differing Perspectives on Father-Son Relationships - Some LGBT researchers and clinicians argue that the estrangement between gay men and their fathers is not caused by the father's actions, but rather the father's reaction to the son's perceived effeminacy due to internalized homophobia [(00:27:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1656s). - This perspective suggests that there is no correlation between the father's behavior and the son's gay identity, only a correlation between the father's reaction and the son's pre-existing effeminacy [(00:28:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1692s). - There are two competing perspectives on the relationship between a boy's distant relationship with his father and his same-sex attractions: one perspective suggests that the distant relationship did not contribute to the boy's same-sex attractions, while the other perspective suggests that it did contribute in two important ways - the lack of security in the relationship and the lack of male attention, affection, and approval [(00:28:29)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1709s). - The lack of security in the relationship with the father can lead to a boy not feeling a sense of strength in his masculine identity, which can contribute to same-sex attractions [(00:28:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1721s). - The lack of male attention, affection, and approval from the father can lead to a boy longing for these needs, which can then be expressed in a sexualized form in adolescence [(00:28:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1731s). - The debate about the relationship between a boy's distant relationship with his father and his same-sex attractions has been ongoing for over 50 years [(00:29:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1748s). - Dr. Sher Golden conducted research on the relationship between father involvement and father role confidence for fathers of gay sons, which found that fathers of gay sons exhibited indirect, non-nurturing, or low engagement types of father involvement activities with their sons [(00:29:46)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1786s). - Dr. Golden's research also found that the fathers of gay sons reported receiving less involvement from their own fathers in their childhood, suggesting that parenting patterns are often passed down from generation to generation [(00:30:44)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1844s). - The results of Dr. Golden's study indicate that the parenting patterns of fathers of gay sons are often a result of their own experiences with their fathers, rather than internalized homophobia [(00:30:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1851s). - The fact that the fathers of gay sons did not themselves develop a gay identity may be due to a variety of factors, including differences in temperament, relationships with their mothers, and experiences of sexual abuse [(00:31:19)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1879s). ## The Influence of Siblings and Cultural Narratives - A hostile relationship between a boy and his older brother can be caused by several factors, including the boy feeling left out due to the special relationship between the younger brother and their mother, and the father not intervening to stop the bullying [(00:32:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=1950s). - The father's lack of intervention can be due to his belief that it will "toughen up" the younger brother, but this can actually contribute to the boy feeling more different from other males [(00:33:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2008s). - In all cultures, it is the father's job to put a stop to bullying between siblings, but some fathers fail to do so, which can have negative consequences for the younger brother's development [(00:33:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2011s). - The combination of factors such as the special relationship with the mother, the detached and critical relationship with the father, and the bullying by the older brother can reinforce the boy's notion that he is different from other males [(00:34:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2078s). - The addition of same-sex attractions can further reinforce this notion, and when the boy hears from the culture that his feelings are a natural part of being gay, it can bring a sense of relief and explanation for why he felt different [(00:35:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2128s). - The concept of "ontological difference" is mentioned, referring to the idea that the boy may feel fundamentally different from other males, and that this feeling is reinforced by his experiences and the cultural narrative around same-sex attraction [(00:35:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2102s). - Rosaria Butterfield's concept of "ontological argument" is referenced, which suggests that the boy's sense of difference is not just a product of his biology, but also of his experiences and environment [(00:34:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2087s). - The label of being gay can bring a sense of relief, but it also reinforces the notion that a boy is different from other boys, leading to a sense of being categorically separate from other males [(00:35:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2147s). ## Masculinity, Envy, and Narcissistic Traits - A boy who struggles with his masculinity may develop a fascination with that essential part of his own identity that he has failed to claim, leading to intense romantic longings in puberty, and his own masculine power may become eroticized [(00:36:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2168s). - When working with clients, it's common to ask them to describe their ideal sexually attractive guy, and often, the characteristics they describe are what they would like to have in themselves, which is referred to as [[Envy | eroticized Envy]] [(00:36:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2190s). - This phenomenon is observed in about 80% of clients, where what they are attracted to in another man is what they would like in themselves [(00:37:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2255s). - Other narcissistic features commonly seen in homosexually oriented men include self-preoccupation, emotional distancing, excessive concern with external appearances, restricted self-insight, and a tendency to choose image over substance [(00:37:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2261s). - Gay men often have a strong concern with their bodies and appearance, which may be caused by a combination of factors, including a propensity for sensitivity and awareness of aesthetics, and a desire to counterbalance feelings of insecurity in their sense of maleness and male worth [(00:38:10)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2290s). - Obsessive-compulsive disorder ([[Obsessive–compulsive disorder | OCD]]) is also more prevalent in homosexually oriented men, with about 3-5% of the general population meeting the criteria for OCD, although this may not be directly related to their sexual orientation [(00:39:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2370s). - Research suggests that there is no connection between homosexuality and elevated levels of pathology, according to the [[American Psychological Association]], although a study from the [[Netherlands]] found that men who identified as homosexual were more likely to be diagnosed with OCD [(00:39:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2389s). - OCD can contribute to preoccupation with one's looks and how one comes across, which may be a factor in same-sex attraction [(00:40:27)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2427s). - A genetic component may also play a role in same-sex attraction, and some individuals may have a narcissistic component that adds to self-preoccupation [(00:40:34)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2434s). ## The Timing of Trauma and Its Effects - The origin of effeminacy in some gay men is attributed to the timing of trauma or injury, specifically the relationship with the father during the gender identity phase [(00:41:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2496s). - If the trauma occurred before the gender identity was solid, around the age of two and a half, the individual is more likely to be effeminate, according to Joseph Nicolosi's explanation [(00:41:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2505s). - The trauma refers to the boy's attempts to connect with his father during the gender identity phase being unreciprocated, leading to hurt and a retreat back to the mother [(00:41:54)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2514s). - If the boy made the gender identity shift but experienced trauma afterwards, he is more likely to be masculine, as seen in about 20-30% of Joseph Nicolosi's clients [(00:42:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2540s). - Examples of trauma that can lead to a more masculine type include sexual abuse or a traumatic experience at a young age, such as four, five, or six, where the father fails to provide comfort and support [(00:42:37)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2557s). - In the gay world, individuals are often categorized as "tops" and "bottoms," with tops typically having a stronger sense of masculine identity, which may be an explanation for the prevalence of these roles [(00:43:18)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2598s). ## The "Good Little Boy" and Its Consequences - When a boy experiences insecure and performance-based relationships, he may adopt the persona of the "good little boy" to gain a sense of attachment security and please others, which can have an immediate payoff [(00:43:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2620s). - However, being the "good little boy" can fuel resentment and jealousy in older siblings and peers, leading to negative feelings and a sense of being "too perfect" [(00:44:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2656s). - As the boy grows older, the "good little boy" role can become a straightjacket, forcing him to be compliant and make others happy, while suppressing his natural desire for individuation and self-expression [(00:44:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2681s). - This suppressed desire can manifest in indirect ways, such as in gay pride parades, where individuals may engage in theatrical and transgressive behavior as a counterbalance to their everyday lives [(00:45:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2704s). - Some gay men may be drawn to acting and theater as a way to cope with feelings of insecurity in their relationships and to have total control in a fantasy world [(00:46:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2771s). - Research suggests that boys who are now labeled as transgender often use fantasy as a defense mechanism to avoid conflicts in their day-to-day lives, which can eventually lead to an interest in theater and acting [(00:46:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2800s). - The "Fantasy Defense" mechanism, used to avoid conflicts, can become a prominent aspect of a person's life, particularly in the context of theater and acting, where individuals can have control and express themselves in a safe environment [(00:47:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2824s). ## The Delight-Deprived Boy and the Search for Validation - All children, including those who later identify as gay, want to be delighted in and validated by their parents, particularly their fathers, and other males around them [(00:47:27)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2847s). - The "delight-deprived boy" is a concept where a child does not receive the desired level of validation and delight from their father or other males, leading to a deep-seated need for male validation [(00:47:24)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2844s). - This unmet need for validation can be later sexualized, leading some individuals to seek out male validation through sexual encounters [(00:48:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2888s). - A common fantasy among some gay men involves a masculine male figure looking at them with an attitude of "I like you," which provides a sense of validation and self-worth [(00:48:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2927s). - This fantasy can be a recurring theme in their sexual encounters, with the individual seeking out multiple partners to experience this feeling of validation [(00:48:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=2910s). - Research by gay researchers, McWhirter and [[Alexander Mattison | Mattison]], found that out of 156 male couples studied, none remained monogamous after five years, suggesting that the expectation of outside sexual activity is common in gay male relationships [(00:50:19)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3019s). ## Monogamy and Promiscuity in Gay Relationships - In contrast, heterosexual couples often have an expectation that their relationships will last until death, whereas gay couples may wonder if their relationships can survive [(00:51:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3060s). - The researchers ultimately concluded that the expectation of outside sexual activity is the rule for male couples, and that gay couples should not try to be monogamous [(00:51:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3069s). - Research suggests that many same-sex relationships become open relationships after a certain period of time, as monogamy can lead to frustration and potentially end the relationship sooner, with some studies concluding that consensual non-monogamy is a more viable option for maintaining a relationship [(00:51:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3071s). - Many gay men in relationships may have friends who are married and seemingly monogamous, but in reality, these relationships often become open relationships over time [(00:51:54)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3114s). - Some gay men engage in promiscuous behavior as a way to try to resolve childhood trauma or injury, but this ultimately does not provide a resolution [(00:52:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3152s). - According to Dr. Nicolosi's theory, homosexuality can be seen as a repetition compulsion, where an individual engages in the same behavior over and over, hoping to get what they want, but ultimately feeling compelled to act out again [(00:53:01)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3181s). - Studies have shown that gay-identified men tend to have a large number of sexual partners over the course of their lifetime, ranging from 250 to 1,000 partners [(00:53:17)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3197s). - The repetition compulsion has several components, including an attempt at mastery, where an individual tries to fulfill unmet needs, such as getting a masculine guy to like them or being the dominant partner [(00:53:53)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3233s). - Another component of repetition compulsion is a built-in element of self-punishment, where the individual may disregard their own well-being and engage in risky behavior without considering the potential consequences [(00:54:27)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3267s). - Some men may engage in compulsive sexual behavior as a way to cope with underlying emotions, such as self-punishment, attraction to danger, and avoidance of grief or loss in their life [(00:55:03)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3303s). - This behavior can serve as a means to counterbalance feelings of emptiness or a sense of being in a "good little boy safe mode" and can provide a sense of adventure and thrill [(00:55:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3326s). - When a man experiences a sudden urge to act out sexually, it may be a response to an underlying emptiness or emotional pain, such as feeling slighted by someone or experiencing social rejection [(00:55:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3355s). ## Dissociation and Defensive Behaviors - Clinical observations have shown that infants as young as four months old can exhibit defensive behaviors, such as averting their gaze or arching their back, when they feel overstimulated or overwhelmed by their environment [(00:56:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3395s). - This behavior is a form of dissociation, which is the only defense mechanism that humans are born with, and is a way for the infant to cope with feelings of overwhelm and regain a sense of calm [(00:57:19)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3439s). - If a mother or caregiver is not attuned to the infant's cues and continues to overstimulate them, the infant may learn to dissociate as a way to cope with overstimulation, which can have long-term effects on their emotional regulation [(00:58:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3491s). - Mothers with higher anxiety levels may be more likely to miss their infant's cues and be more intrusive, leading to the infant learning to dissociate as a way to cope with overstimulation [(00:58:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3503s). - A defensive pattern in boys may set the stage for their subsequent propensity to use fantasy as a defense against real-life conflicts, which could explain the draw towards theater and acting [(00:58:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3531s). - The absence of a positive father figure is not the primary cause of same-sex attraction; rather, it's the presence of a negative one that can create more of an injury for the boy [(00:59:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3576s). - Many boys without a positive father figure may have a male surrogate, such as a grandfather or uncle, who can help bring the boy into the male world and invite him into masculinity [(00:59:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3597s). - Temperamental sensitivity, bullying by an older brother, and the presence of a negative father experience are factors that may help explain why boys with a negative relationship with their father or a father who passed away early do not have same-sex attractions [(01:00:17)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3617s). ## Disembodiment and Eroticized Envy - The pre-homosexual boy grows up disembodied, alienated from his own body, especially his genitals, which disconnects him from his biological-based gender vitality [(01:00:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3657s). - This disconnection can lead to [[Envy | envy]] of the masculine bodies of other boys, causing the pre-homosexual boy to attempt to acquire other male bodies by erotically joining with them [(01:01:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3671s). - A common characteristic found attractive in other men by clients is a man who is comfortable in his own body and masculinity [(01:01:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3695s). - Same-sex attractions may be based in eroticized envy, with clients often feeling uncomfortable in their own bodies but envying other men who appear to be at home in themselves [(01:01:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3715s). ## Relationships with Women and Defensive Detachment - Some homosexual individuals may have a very close relationship with a woman or several women, which can be attributed to feelings of distrust towards other men and difficulty feeling relaxed and being themselves with other guys [(01:02:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3750s). - Many individuals with same-sex attractions often feel more comfortable around women due to a sense of safety and familiarity, which can be attributed to their relationships with their mothers and female friends growing up [(01:03:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3801s). - This comfort can be a trade-off, as these individuals may receive male attention without the pressures and conflicts associated with having a male romantic partner [(01:03:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3821s). - Some individuals describe their relationships with women as symbiotic, where both parties benefit from the connection [(01:03:52)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3832s). - Defensive Detachment is a phenomenon where individuals with same-sex attractions may feel the need to be constantly on guard around other men, due to anticipatory shame and the fear of being criticized or rejected [(01:03:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3785s). - This defensive posture can lead to a state of hypervigilance, making it difficult for individuals to form close relationships with men who embody traditional masculine stereotypes [(01:03:15)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3795s). - However, some individuals may find it easier to form close relationships with men who are more sensitive and emotionally expressive, often referred to as "sensitive New Age guys" or "snags" [(01:04:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3896s). - The concept of Defensive Detachment is thought to be based on anticipatory shame, where individuals may feel like they are constantly bracing themselves for criticism or rejection from others [(01:05:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=3935s). ## The False Self and Its Manifestations - The "[[True self and false self | false self]]" is a concept that refers to the way individuals may present themselves to the world in order to accommodate their need for social belonging and acceptance, while also protecting themselves from potential shame and rejection [(01:06:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4007s). - When individuals are in their true selves and being assertive, they are more vulnerable to shame, which can lead to the development of a protective defensive posture called the False self [(01:07:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4020s). - The False self has a protective function, which is to shield the individual from shame by not expressing deep needs or emotions, and many people felt like they were shut down and shamed when trying to be their authentic selves [(01:07:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4040s). - This False self can manifest in different ways, such as the "good little boy mode," which is a common phenomenon among clients who felt like they had to suppress their true selves to avoid shame [(01:07:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4043s). - A personal anecdote shared illustrates how this can play out in real life, where a person felt like they couldn't be their true self in a family setting and instead became quiet and withdrawn [(01:08:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4084s). - This behavior is not uncommon among homosexual boys, who may feel like they need to hide their true selves to avoid shame or rejection [(01:09:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4140s). - The body language of individuals can also reveal where they are at emotionally, and in this case, a stiffness and shutdown were observed when discussing the family table dynamic [(01:09:18)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4158s). - This anticipatory shame posture can be a result of repeated shaming, especially in unexpected ways, which can cause individuals to go into the [[True self and false self | False self]] or "good little boy" mode [(01:09:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4176s). - There are different styles of False self, including the passive compliant "nice guy" and the theatrical Entertainer, who feels like they need to be "Mr. Personality" to be accepted [(01:10:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4216s). - The theatrical Entertainer style is driven by anxiety and can be exhausting, as it requires constant performance and people-pleasing [(01:10:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4235s). - There are four types of false selves that individuals may adopt, including the passive and compliant type, the theatrical and entertaining type, the outrageous hyper-feminine character, and the angry activist hyper-masculine character, with each type having a distinct way of seeking affirmation and attention from others [(01:11:01)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4261s). - The outrageous hyper-feminine character is exemplified by drag queens, while the angry activist hyper-masculine character is represented by militant gay activist groups, such as [[ACT UP]], founded by [[Larry Kramer]] in the 1980s [(01:11:22)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4282s). - These false selves often provide a sense of gratification through shocking others and seeking attention, but they can also be limiting and prevent individuals from developing their true selves [(01:12:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4351s). ## Antidotes to the False Self - The antidote to these false selves is not a one-size-fits-all solution, but rather a personalized approach that may involve grief work, which can be done through various settings, including therapy, pastoral care, or personal reflection [(01:13:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4389s). - Grief work can involve sitting in silence and acknowledging one's losses, as exemplified in the [[Book of Job]], and can help individuals process their emotions and move forward [(01:13:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4408s). - Other antidotes may include exposure therapy, which involves confronting and challenging one's fears and anxieties, such as excessive preoccupation with appearance, and can help decrease hypervigilance and increase self-acceptance [(01:14:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4453s). - Having a supportive friend who knows and accepts one's true self can also be an effective antidote, as they can provide a sense of safety and security, allowing individuals to be themselves without fear of judgment [(01:14:43)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4483s). - A person's path to self-discovery and addressing unwanted same-sex attraction is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to treatment, with different interventions working for different people [(01:15:01)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4501s). ## Treatment and Resources - A rapid intervention has been developed to treat unwanted sexually arousing memories, which can be used to decrease arousal associated with these memories, such as those related to sexual abuse [(01:15:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4528s). - Dr. Joseph Nicolosi's work includes a recently completed placebo-controlled study on treating unwanted same-sex attraction, which will be published in a peer-reviewed journal [(01:15:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4516s). - Dr. Nicolosi's father, [[Joseph Nicolosi]], has written several books on the topic of same-sex attraction, including "Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality," "A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality," and "Shame and Attachment Loss" [(01:16:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4566s). - The book "Shame and Attachment Loss" is also available in audio format, with a free preview available on the website josephnicolosi.com [(01:16:37)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4597s). - The website josephnicolosi.com also features interviews with Joseph Nicolosi, including appearances on [[Oprah Winfrey | Oprah]], [[Bill O'Reilly (political commentator) | Bill O'Reilly]], Dr. [[Drew Pinsky | Drew]], and 2020, which are available for free [(01:16:53)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJur1jDGlqE&t=4613s).