# Beyond Her Yes ![rw-book-cover](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61dyEuxd4ZL._SY160.jpg) ## Metadata - Author: [[Marisol Maldonado Rodriguez and Debbie Provencher]] - Full Title: Beyond Her Yes - Category: #books ## Highlights - I believe pro-life Christians are right to make a focused effort to reach abortion-vulnerable women and save preborn babies’ lives. To that end, concerned Christians have relied heavily on pregnancy resource centers, which have some great success stories resulting from their diligent efforts. But our lifesaving efforts should not end with the saved life of the baby. We need to look at the big picture of the woman’s life and her baby’s future and seek to understand her context, the circumstances that make her abortion-vulnerable, and what she needs after she says yes to her baby’s life. We have to consider the root of the problem—poverty itself—and how to alleviate it. ([Location 125](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=125)) - As I examined the traditional pro-life approach more closely, I realized that we had been shortsighted, and some of our foundational assumptions were rooted in four misconceptions: ([Location 130](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=130)) - 1. After a woman chooses life, she’s going to be okay. ([Location 132](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=132)) - 2. A pregnancy resource center is an all-encompassing solution. ([Location 144](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=144)) - 3. A woman and her baby can survive on government assistance. ([Location 149](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=149)) - 4. Only unmarried and non-Christian women are abortion-vulnerable. ([Location 163](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=163)) - Those who have never lived in poverty don’t know the hurdles, the boundaries, and the detours that having an unplanned pregnancy place on a woman in poverty. So it’s easy to assume or think that once she chooses life, she’s going to be okay, but she’s not going to be okay because she comes from a background of poverty. She has a limited education, limited options, limited life experiences, and greatly diminished chances for change, progress, or success.5 ([Location 172](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=172)) - If a woman comes from a middle-income background and becomes pregnant as a teenager or college student, she will most likely have the support she needs to finish her college education. Her parents will rearrange their schedules, hire babysitters, and provide financial support. They will do whatever it takes to ensure she has a stable future. But if a woman doesn’t have that support system as a pregnant teenager or young adult, then high school stops and college never begins. Instead, she enters a cycle of hopelessness and despair where one poor choice warrants another, and she doesn’t know the way out. Moving beyond that reality becomes the exception rather than the rule. ([Location 177](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=177)) - Living in poverty does not merely mean struggling to provide basic needs due to a lack of financial stability. It is an all-encompassing condition that affects how a person feels, how they think, how they form relationships, how they function as parents, how they practice self-esteem, how they view their own future and the future of their families, and how others view them. ([Location 182](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=182)) - We have to understand what poverty is like for individuals and for families if we want to better understand what they truly need to not only choose life but also lead an abundant life. When we are looking at them through the lens of our middle-class lives, we assume that they have the opportunity to make the same choices we do but choose something different. This is not the case. ([Location 185](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=185)) - According to research compiled from national studies, in 2020, Almost one third (27.7%) of single mother families were “food insecure,” about one-ninth (11.7%) used food pantries, one third spent more than half their income on housing, which is generally considered the threshold for “severe housing cost burden.” Families headed by single mothers are among the poorest households, [and] more than a third lived in poverty, and as such, are extremely vulnerable to homelessness.6 ([Location 191](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=191)) - If we care about the pro-life issue, we have to care about poverty. Period. They are inextricably linked. ([Location 196](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=196)) - Fundamentally, poverty is an economic issue. ([Location 202](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=202)) - There are two types of poverty: generational and situational. Women experience generational poverty when they come from a background of poverty for two generations or more. Situational poverty is when an event such as the loss of a job, an illness, or a divorce throws a person into poverty. When a woman experiences situational poverty, it’s easier to get out because she has the skills, contacts, and resources to get back on her feet with some effort and time. When a woman comes from generational poverty, she doesn’t have any of that. She faces a huge knowledge gap because the life skills she needs to overcome poverty are not covered in school, not modeled by her family, and not seen in the lives of those she interacts with, and so they’re not known. ([Location 211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=211)) - Middle-income families naturally pass down to their children the skills needed to live productive and economically stable lives. In poverty, the skills that are passed down are based on survival. ([Location 217](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=217)) - At that moment, we as the Church have the opportunity to tell this woman that there’s a third option—an option where she can choose life and her dreams as well. But we have to show her that it is possible. If she’s willing to do the hard work of bringing a child into the world, raising that child, and pursuing her goals, then there are people who will come alongside her in solidarity, providing consistent support and resources to help her make her dream a reality. When we show her that we are the guardians of her dreams and the shepherds of her soul, we show her that we love her, her baby, and their future. ([Location 238](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=238)) - My father, the latest man in her life, was an abusive, violent man, but she was thankful that he kept her and her children fed, housed, and safe from other predators. ([Location 246](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=246)) - A Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby K. Payne.1 ([Location 292](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=292)) - Dr. Payne: To not have a pregnancy, you have to plan, and the more unstable your environment, the more difficult it is to plan—coupled with the fact that criminologists will tell you they can predict the amount of violence in the neighborhood by two things: the adults’ educational attainment level and the number of households who do not have men living in them permanently. This leaves women in these neighborhoods with a need for protection. If you want protection and you want a man in your household, what’s going to be his incentive to stay with you? If you love that man and want to show him that you love him, you will give him a child because it’s proof of his masculinity. That’s not understood in the middle class at all. ([Location 297](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=297)) - Dr. Payne: People who have never experienced poverty do not understand that if you’re a female in poverty and you live in a high-poverty area, you have to have protection or you are everybody’s game. You’re a target for everybody. And not only are you a target for everybody, but so are your children. You can’t protect your children alone. They’re vulnerable because, in poverty, the clear understanding is if there’s no man around, you’re fair game. The closer you get to survival, the more you’re going to use physical approaches to survive. When the media talks about single mothers in poverty, they talk about the fact that they don’t have money. Sometimes they talk about the fact that they don’t have time to be with their children because they’re working two jobs, but it’s an even deeper issue—they don’t have anybody to protect them or their children. The reality is that the protective mechanism for women in poverty oftentimes is to go to a man for protection. A lot of times, the whole discussion is about money and time. But at the heart of the matter is the fact that if you want to survive a high-poverty neighborhood, protection is huge. ([Location 304](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=304)) - Creating space for a woman in poverty to articulate how she feels has brought about some of the most emotionally powerful conversations I’ve ever had. ([Location 320](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=320)) - One of the women we serve put it this way: When girls like myself choose life and then find ourselves in difficult situations, we lean on the wrong support—another man, for example. Then we end up pregnant again by a man who is not providing for us. How do we come back to you and say, “Oh, you know what, Marisol, I did it again”? It’s a cycle. We’re looking for help, we’re looking for a need to be met, so we gravitate to a man, and we cling to him. ([Location 322](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=322)) - The Psychiatric Times reports on poverty’s effect on the physical and mental health of both mother and baby: Individuals who experience poverty, particularly early in life or for an extended period, are at risk for a host of adverse health and developmental outcomes throughout their life. Poverty in childhood is associated with lower school achievement; worse cognitive, behavioral, and attention-related outcomes; higher rates of delinquency, depressive and anxiety disorders; and higher rates of almost every psychiatric disorder in adulthood. Poverty in adulthood is linked to depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, psychological distress, and suicide.3 ([Location 332](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=332)) - The Psychiatric Times also explains the role of neighborhood deprivation on the lives of these families: Findings indicate that geographically concentrated poverty—often in urban areas—is particularly toxic to psychiatric well-being. Signs of social and physical disorder often characterize poor neighborhoods, which can cause stress, undermine health-promoting social ties, and affect the mental health of people who live there. Neighborhood deprivation has been associated with many of the same mental health outcomes as poverty, even while controlling for individual poverty. ([Location 342](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=342)) - Often the Church and pro-life supporters don’t realize the lack of opportunities a single mom experiences. We think that she knows how to get a job, that she can find childcare, or that she can go back to school. But we’re talking about families who don’t even have internet access or a computer in the house! She can’t do distance learning; she can’t do college online. When we don’t understand this absence of opportunities and resources, we say things like, “Why doesn’t she just leave him?” But if she leaves him, who will protect her and her children in their dangerous neighborhood? In our middle-class lives, we don’t have to think about that. Or we might ask, “Why doesn’t she just get a job?” Well, when her mother never had a job and her grandmother never had a job, she doesn’t know what getting a job looks like. How does she write a résumé? How does she fill out a job application? How does she handle a job interview and the stress that comes from being in an environment and situation she was never taught to navigate? ([Location 370](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=370)) - Shortly after I graduated from high school, one of the men at the church asked me, “Marisol, what are you going to do with your life?” Honestly, I didn’t know I had a choice. When you come from generational poverty, life just happens to you. There’s no planning, no dreaming; you just live and roll with the punches. ([Location 382](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=382)) - Absent fathers and unsafe communities create a big, empty hole that needs to be filled, and that hole should be filled by the Church. If we don’t take the initiative, gang members and “street influencers” will step in to meet the family’s need for community and safety and so perpetuate the problem. ([Location 390](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=390)) - We must recognize that poverty is not just an economic disadvantage; it’s a life of vulnerability and hopelessness. The feelings of vulnerability and despair can lead single moms to form unhealthy relationships with men to gain a sense of safety. Unfortunately, these relationships don’t last very long and often leave her with another unplanned pregnancy. ([Location 396](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=396)) - We have to invest time and resources in the moms and dads who are craving community, who are craving relationships, and who are desperate for someone to demonstrate that they will walk alongside them for the long haul. ([Location 404](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=404)) - Our message must be, “I am not a temporary person in your life. I am here for however long you allow.” We’re asking them to make a long-term commitment by choosing life, and I’m asking the Church to make a long-term commitment as well. To break the poverty-perpetuated cycle of poor education and physical and mental health issues that women navigating unplanned pregnancies face, we need to take a comprehensive approach to improving their quality of life. Through social services referrals, meaningful relationships, and committed discipleship, I believe we can work with families to help them build a sustainable future. ([Location 406](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=406)) - Church must move from something we do once a week to a lifestyle we live out every day of the week. ([Location 429](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=429)) - When we bring hope to a mom, we bring hope to her children, because she will pass it down to them. I once heard this wonderful quote: “Your ceiling becomes your children’s floor.” ([Location 431](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=431)) - I am passionate about helping moms believe that they can raise their ceilings so that their children—the ones we encouraged them to bring into the world—are not starting where they did. Instead, those children are starting from a different place, an elevated place, a place where the light can shine through. ([Location 436](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=436)) - Me: What do you see as the role of the Church in helping women and men choose life? Pastor Tim: It is incumbent upon the Church to teach that we have to preserve life, and especially when we’re talking about life in the womb. If we don’t protect it, then we are really part of the problem. . . . If we say that we desire to see Christ formed in people, then we have to be supportive of life and supportive of women who choose life. I think it’s a foundational issue. Me: You said that the Church should support the women who choose life, but how? Pastor Tim: I think there has to be education. Depending on a woman’s upbringing, she may not have received the education she needs to create a healthy and stable home life for herself and her baby. And she also needs biblical teaching. Beyond education, we have to get our hands dirty, as Jesus did. Sure, He sent the twelve apostles out two by two, but when they went out to do ministry, it was a ministry that He was already doing. When He sent them out, it was not to do something they had never seen before. We need to get in there, so to speak, and one by one rescue these women educationally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. After the birth, that’s when the work really has to begin, and unfortunately, a lot of times the Church doesn’t know how or where to help. When I was younger, I remember going to abortion clinics and standing in front, telling women, “Don’t get an abortion.” If you were ever successful, you’d go “Hallelujah,” high-five, and then that was it. I went home, and that was the end of everything. But it was just the beginning for this woman and child. The challenge that these women face many times, especially if they’ve been in a crisis pregnancy situation, is that they don’t have strong support at home; they don’t have emotional support, spiritual support, or financial support. Lots of times, when they decide to do what is right—to preserve the image of God—their troubles just begin. [In] the good Samaritan story, the Samaritan saw a man who was beaten up and was in need, so he helped. If those who are sensitive to the Spirit of God know that there is a need and have the wherewithal to help, if we don’t help, then for me, it is a sin. Now, that does not mean we can cure all the world’s ills, but we are called as Christians not only to preach the gospel and set the captives free, set hearts free, unshackle them, but to also work for the betterment of culture, society, and injustice. We are called to participate in those things that make life better here on earth. The gospel calls me to love the Lord God with all my heart and all my strength and to love my neighbors as myself. So even if someone is not a Christ-follower, I am called to help him or her as I am able. I think the Church has long been weak in the post-decision-making process that a woman enters often alone. God forbid that we continue to do that anymore. I think we’ve seen enough; we know enough, and I think it’s time to… ([Location 477](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BW15C59M&location=477))